9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
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You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.