Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
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WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Who does Amazon think I am?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.