“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Sorry. Not sorry
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”