Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
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Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.