A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
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credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
house sitting!
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.