If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
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Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies