*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
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[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.