ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Tough love is true love
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.