“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
You Might Also Like
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
a badder mouse