[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!