the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
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These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My background check bounced.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Every. Damn. Time.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I just ran a .003048K