Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
the icebreaker
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.