me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name