I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Some people were born into their job.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl