i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
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Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
everyone has that one prude friend
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born