M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
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[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”