I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
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A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese