Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
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Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
What do you hear?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Meow?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
A completely valid reaction tbh
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.