My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Mornin
My nickname in high school was “who?”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Finally! 😈
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!