Asked him his height and he鈥檚 been typing for 2 minutes 馃え
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Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn鈥檛 figure out how to spell it.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
LA today:
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you鈥檙e a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I鈥檓 coming for a visit
Me: I don鈥檛 want it anymore!
Gas isn鈥檛 that expensive, at least not when you鈥檙e siphoning it from your coworker鈥檚 tank anyway
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
馃槀
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
B
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Oh to be a 1998 baby
鉁旓笍 first memory is 9/11
鉁旓笍 watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
鉁旓笍 graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched