You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
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Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Ummm
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’