*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
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*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.