“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
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Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*