I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
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[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I know karate and tons of other words.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.