Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
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[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume