[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
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Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
This came to me in a dream.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck