5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
You Might Also Like
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?