opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
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*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’