I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
A sick whale is called an unwhale