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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”