My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
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Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
there’s probably a fee though
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that