I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
ibopfufen
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”