I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
are they though??
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.