Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
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I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates