KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.