What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
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I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head