What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
You Might Also Like
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU