Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?