Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event