My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
You Might Also Like
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.