Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.