Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
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My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My love language is hissing.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad