Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
You Might Also Like
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
My circle of trust is a meatball
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.