The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
They got a point!
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve