You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
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Pretty much! 😂👀
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no