STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
You Might Also Like
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Cndnsd Mlk
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.