You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
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If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results