Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
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Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.