I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
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You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.