I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.